apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
