he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
