She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
