so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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