I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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