oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
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