You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
