You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
how drunk are you?
Several
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
