the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
