Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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