Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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