she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
