I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
