Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
