You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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