Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
