My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
