Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize