Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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