I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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