just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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