I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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