Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The power of my boobs compel you
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
