I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
