OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
