hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
