Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
