You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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