I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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