Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
