why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
