you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
there was a trapeze. enough said
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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