I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
