Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I need moral support for this bender
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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