No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
