It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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