Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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