You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
