Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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