dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
