ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize