My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
