My liver just broke up with me...
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
