Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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