the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize