So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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