i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize