My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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