Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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