Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
