Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
