Betty ford says i'm here all night
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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