when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
