I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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