I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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