Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
